"New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together" in The Onion

"Our research shows that humans are not evolutionarily equipped to handle being together for extended periods of time, under any circumstances." See piece here. ... See other Onion goodness here.

"The Onion's Tips For Not Accidentally Murdering Your Girlfriend" in The Onion

Just a reminder.

If there is a locked door in your home and there is even a remote possibility that the person you’re currently dating is behind that door and could be immediately killed by the bullets you fire at the door, try not to fire a gun directly at that door. Read tips here.

"Locker Room Reporter Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Jerry Jones Naked" in The Onion

Laverty confirmed the situation has become increasingly awkward since he noticed that the discolored mole on Jones’ scrotum has been growing larger every week. Read piece here.

"Man Concerned He Spread Himself Too Thin Between Eating Sandwich, Watching Television" in The Onion

“I looked away from the screen for five seconds because some of the meat was coming out from between the bread, and I missed some stuff on the show." Read piece here.

"Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack" in The Onion

After seeing yet another deranged gorilla just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me,” said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a 350-pound mountain gorilla from his local gorilla store. “It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if I’m ever in that situation, I won’t have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. I’ll be able to use my gorilla to defend myself.” Read piece here.

"Open-Minded Man Grimly Realizes How Much Life He's Wasted Listening To Bullshit" in The Onion

A visibly stunned and solemn Richman, who until this point regarded his willingness to hear out the opinions of others as a worthwhile quality, estimated that he's wasted nearly three and a half years of his existence being open to people's half-formed thoughts, asinine suggestions, and pointless, dumbfuck stories. Read piece here.

"New Report Confirms You Are Most Interesting, Most Important Individual On Earth" in The Onion

The 220-page report concluded that your ideas and opinions far surpass those of the other 7.1 billion people on the planet in terms of substance, depth, and general importance to the world. Read piece here.

"Print Dead at 1,803" by The Onion

NEW YORK—Sources close to print, the method of applying ink to paper in order to convey information to a mass audience, have confirmed that the declining medium passed away early Thursday morning. Read piece here.

"First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible" in The Onion

“Sure, we miss Grandma and all, but it’s been pretty great this year without her sitting in the corner looking totally miserable while the kids open presents,” said grandson Kyle Shaw, 31, adding that not having to watch his 89-year-old grandmother struggle to swallow candied yams or help her hobble to the bathroom had made this year’s celebration more festive and carefree. Read piece here.

"Poll: Majority Of Americans Approve Of Sending Congress To Syria" in The Onion

“I believe it is in the best interest of the United States, and the global community as a whole, to move forward with the deployment of all U.S. congressional leaders to Syria immediately,” respondent Carol Abare, 50, said in the nationwide telephone survey, echoing the thoughts of an estimated 9 in 10 Americans who said they “strongly support” any plan of action that involves putting the U.S. House and Senate on the ground in the war-torn Middle Eastern state. Read piece here.

"No One Should Have The Right To Die Until God Is Done Toying With Them" in The Onion

It doesn’t matter how sick you are. You don’t get to die until God messes with you for a while first. Read piece here.

"Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized" in The Onion

The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being "gay." See it here.

"Taco Bell Warns Employees Against Directly Exposing Skin To Food" in The Onion

IRVINE, CA—In a new handbook distributed Friday to employees at all 6,500 of its locations worldwide, fast food chain Taco Bell has issued an updated set of safety protocols that warns workers against directly exposing their skin to any of its food products. Read piece here.

"Cancer Diagnosed With Skip Bayless" in The Onion

 Surgical oncologist Dr. Andrew Bergman confirmed that Skip Bayless, one of the most dreaded and abhorrent diseases known to mankind, had metastasized, spreading throughout the malignant neoplasm and causing excruciating pain in the cancerous tissue. Read piece here.

"Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn" in The Onion

“When we sat down and did the math on our annual subscription to VividVideo.com and regular trips to Tom’s Adult Emporium, we realized just how much we could save if we shot our own hardcore scenes ourselves,” said Christopher Landstrom, who estimates the couple has been able to trim costs by at least $80 a month by filming vaginal intercourse, cunnilingus, and facial ejaculations in their living room. Read piece here.

"New Study Finds Link Between Breastfeeding, Always Knowing What’s Right For Everyone" in The Onion

The study also indicated that nursing greatly boosts a mother’s immunity to others’ viewpoints. Read piece here.

"Study Finds College Still More Worthwhile Than Spending 4 Years Chained To Radiator" by The Onion

The report ... "played down the high cost of student loans when contrasted with the psychological trauma and physical atrophy that typically accompany four years spent in the same 3-foot radius on a cracked concrete floor with only a pail of food scraps to subsist on." Read piece here.

"Activists Release Horrifying Video Showing How Meat Products Are Eaten" in The Onion

Secretly filmed on cell phones by individuals who reportedly witnessed the carnage firsthand, the exceedingly graphic footage depicts the gruesome ways in which beef, pork, and poultry are consumed all across the United States, detailing the gory process by which millions of these products are crammed into people’s jaws, rapidly torn to pieces, and ground into a pulpy, uniform slurry in a matter of seconds. Read piece here.

"Woman at Supermarket Imagines Entire Narrative Where Bagger Is Happy With Life" in The Onion

As the grocery store employee asked in a monotone voice whether Connors wanted her groceries double- or single-bagged, she reportedly went on to think about how the man more than likely enjoys how stress-free his job is, and probably pities “working-class stiffs” who maybe have higher-paying jobs but stress about trivial things like repainting the living room or buying a third car. Read piece here.

"Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins" in The Onion

"I’m happy to say we’ve now rectified the situation once and for all,” said franchise owner Dan Snyder. Read piece here.